The Fear of Family Time

   As it nears the holidays, families gather around the dining room table and actually sits down for a meal. Suddenly, we’re hit with the social anxiety of family dinners. Because–oh hey–I haven’t gotten past the “how was your day” conversation with my mom or dad in three months.

     What is it about our lives that is so hectic, we don’t have time for family? Is it that we over-commit ourselves to difficult classes and are constantly drowning in homework? Or are our families getting less and less bearable to be around?

     Studies have shown that young people don’t know how to say no. According to the American Psychological Association, “learning to say no can be a very difficult thing to do, particularly for students who want to stand out among a cohort of other high-achieving and talented individuals.”

     Westminster, in summary, is a 1,000-student strong group of high-achieving and talented individuals. If you compare yourself to even a fraction of your classmates, as we all do, you’re likely to see their academic, athletic, artistic, and extracurricular commitments and wonder if you’re doing enough. So we over-commit ourselves. We stretch ourselves to the brink so we can be the ones to stand out against the rest.

     On the other hand, some of us just hate spending time with our families. And maybe it’s because we’re not putting enough effort into our relationships, but in some cases, there is a viable reason for our knee-jerk reaction to avoid family at all costs.

    In an article in the New York Times, Old vs. Young, the generation gap between adults and their children is perhaps greater than it was in the 1960s, when “the generation gap” was considered an archetype of the times.

    While it is not necessarily true that all young adults today hold different opinions than their parents, it is undeniable that, with the turn of the century, we were born into a much different era than our parents. Almost everything revolutionary to them is commonplace to us: computers, cell phones, social media, WiFi–you name it. In our very mindsets, we’re different from our parents.

     Differences easily lead to division. This division is not always for the better; it leads to narrow-mindedness or miscommunication. But it happens. We section ourselves off from our parents because the differences feel insurmountable.

    So here you are, sitting at your dining room table on Thanksgiving, wondering what on earth you can pick as your topic of conversation. Do your parents even know who you’re friends with any more? When’s the last time you told them in-depth what you’re studying in your favorite class? Do they know what your interests are? What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

    I’m not suggesting you chain yourself to your chair and spill your deepest, darkest secrets to your family, or sit in a circle and talk about your core wounds. Your parents don’t need to be your best friends and confidantes. Your siblings don’t have to be your secret-keepers.

     There’s no one reason why you don’t spend time with your family. It’s probably a combination busyness, a feeling that you can’t carry a conversation without bickering, and the end result of those previous two things–a disconnect with your family–that makes it easier to avoid convestations rather than acknowledge it.

     If you’ve ever felt the same way, maybe it’s because you need to take a deep breath and make time for your real family. Drink hot chocolate with your mom. Watch football with your dad. Play in the backyard with your younger siblings.

     Be thankful for the time you have with your family. After all, you only get one.